Stress, God and Life Changes

Over the past year, my life has changed drastically. My 9 1/2 year romantic relationship ended and I found myself, for the first time ever, living on my own. For my entire life I had either lived with parents, roommates, or my boyfriend. During this time, I also started teaching Kindergarten which had been a dream of mine since I was six. I was also woking on completing my Master’s degree and I felt extremely overwhelmed. While my career was exactly where I wanted, my personal life was extremely challenging. I poured my life into my job. I arrived to school at 6:30 am and often did not leave until after 7:30 pm and sometimes later. I am so grateful for my wonderful and special students. They brought so much love and happiness into my life during a very difficult time.

I spent so many hours in this beautiful school

I had been chronically stressed out from the time I was a little girl. This stress engulfed all aspects of my life. I was also not happy with my appearance. I had gained weight over the years, and at the age of 28, I had many gray hairs. I was so used to living with my stress, that I did not realize how stressed out I constantly was. I often had trouble sleeping had a panicked feeling in the pit of my stomach that I did not know the cause of.

Graduate school was only the cherry on top of my stress!

Over the Thanksgiving holiday of 2014, my oldest sister Jessica came to visit me. It was not until I saw how my stress was affecting her that I started to “get it”. Jessica was in Hawaii visiting me and I wanted her to have fun but I was so stressed out. I was stressed about grad school, work, my substitute teacher doing a good job, relationship trauma, and mad that my wifi was not hooked up in my new apartment. I was even upset about not be able to find my sunglasses for the beach! I worried about anything and everything while verbalizing every thought to Jessica! Now that I no longer live like this, it is exhausting even thinking about it so I can imagine how Jess must have felt while staying with me.

Jessica and I on our way to Polihale

Jessica and I were going to spend Thanksgiving at my favorite spot on Kauai, Polihale State Park. We packed the car, bought a bunch of food and headed to the west side of the island. Polihale is a really special place and one cannot help but feel connected to nature and God when they are there. We had a blast but later in the evening it was brought up how much my stress and anxiety was affecting Jessica. I felt bad and more stressed out about this! I wanted her to have a fun! Jess was having a great time but was also honest with me how my nonstop anxiety and stress was in fact having an impact on her. I was also angry. With everything going on in my life at the time, I wanted her to just hug me and tell me everything would be ok. I did not want her to tell me that I was affecting her in a negative way.

Magical Polihale Camping

Jessica is a meditation teacher and has been practicing being present for many years. She wanted me to be honest with myself. She wanted me to tell her how I was feeling and to cry if that is what I needed. She was also worried about me and knew I could not continue with the chronic stress that I had been living with forever. I kept holding back tears and saying “It is what it is” and being passive aggressive and feeling more stressed out. Finally I just broke down and starting sobbing. I started telling her exactly how I was feeling and what I was thinking.  I told her that I was angry. I wanted my big sister to just be there. She helped me realize that she was there, but she was there in a completely honest and whole way. Jessica could not fix the moment. I had to do the work and make long term changes.

I could walk from my apartment to this beautiful spot

Something about this trip with Jessica changed me and I began taking little actions that started to have a big impact. I started walking, cooking and eating healthier. I also started to occasionally mediate. I started to thank God everyday for my life and all the amazing and beautiful aspects of it. Over the next couple of months, I started to feel sudden and intense moments of joy. I remember driving to work and all of a sudden tears streamed down my face because I felt so happy. Another time I was sitting on the beach and I again started to cry because it was so beautiful. With that said, I would also feel strong feelings of sadness. Jess helped me (and continues to help me) navigate these feelings. I have been learning to “feel” whatever it is that comes up but to not try and change anything. That includes not trying to prolong the feelings of elation as well as not trying to stop of the feelings of sadness.

Hanalei Love

I started enjoying life so much more. At work, I was as committed as ever but I started to enjoy it even more. Instead of focusing so much and worrying about lessons and meetings going perfectly, I was able to be in the moment and enjoy the kids even more. I also started to really appreciate Kauai and the beauty that I had often been taking for granted. It was around this time that I decided to take this trip and I was feeling nostalgic about leaving Kauai. I also became even closer with what became my family on Kauai. I learned how many people love and care about me. So many people reached out to me and offered me their hearts, homes, and families. I am so honored and blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

I am so proud to call these amazing and strong women my Kauai family. (Some are missing in the picture but not in my heart!)

After the school year finished I worked hard at keeping my stress level down. Although I had some new tools to use, at times it was still very hard. I had about 10 days to move out of my apartment, sell may car, complete a massive amount of grad school assignments and get to Oahu for 6 weeks to finish graduate school. The night before I was leaving for Oahu, I broke down (with mops, cleaning supplies and piles of luggage surrounding me). On top of the all of challenges that I was faced with, I was in the midst of a very personal and upsetting situation. It was at this moment that I started praying to God and sending out love. After I was done, I was calm and at peace. I was able to finish cleaning, and go to bed.

I found this important reminder while visiting Jessica in LA

Since that moment in June, my relationship with God has continued to strengthen and I have continued to see my life change. One validating moment this past summer was when one of my cohort members said to me “Last year you were so stressed out! You were always spilling coffee and stuff! You seem different this year.” I had been known as the “stressed out one” the previous summer. To have people that I had not even known that long see a change in me was pretty incredible.

Phewa Lake in Pokhara, Nepal

I left Kauai for my trip 5 months ago. I spent my first month visiting family on the mainland. I started with visiting Jessica in California. Spending time with her was the perfect way to start my travels. I have now been in Asia for 4 months and it has been incredible. I have used this time to continue to develop my spirituality and relationship with God. I continue to pray daily, thank God and send out love. I have also become more active with meditation and I have been mediating daily for almost two months.

Annapurna Himalayan Range

I work hard at not falling back into old patterns. But sometime I do and I have learned that it is ok. I was so hard on myself for so many years. I held onto and obsessed about things that I felt I did wrong. I now try really hard to learn from, love and accept everything about myself. Even when I am making choices that might not be the best ones. I know God is in control and has a plan. I am so excited about my life and seeing what else is in store for me!

Happiness in Thailand